Patty meltdown

Las Vegas nightlife: wretched or wrecked? Plus: Lady Tigra gets the electro claws out

SUPER EGO Clear the runway! Clear the runway! She's got a Target elastic waistband and too many Walgreens L'Oreal home highlights in her shag — and she's about to crash-land drunk off her Lucite Shoe Pavillion fuck-me pumps and into my $30 Blue Lotus powertini, with guarana extract, caffeine, taurine, and B vitamins 3, 5, 6, and 12. Somebody call Grey's Anatomy on her jiggly, glitter-thonged ass, stat. Save me, Dr. McCreamy! Save my exorbitant cocktail!

Nightlife 911!!!

Hi. I'm writing to you from the bowels of underground club connoisseur hell, a.k.a. a gay bar in Las Vegas on St. Patrick's Day during spring break.

Try not to imagine it. On the giant video screen: a 2005 frat-boy rave remix of the Cranberries' "Zombie." In the glass tanks lining the dance floor: live piranhas. Streaming through the door: distressed embroidered jeans and bleached-out cocka'dos. Kill me.

"What did you expect?" Hunky Beau reminds me not-so-gently. "This city has the freakin' Liberace Museum. Drop the snob act." So I take some heart in the equality of it all. The Vegas homo-horror crowd out by the airport's no different from the straight-when-sober one thronging the Strip, except the lesbians are real and the other women aren't. Or rather, they're 50 percent less real. Surgery is confusing! It's like silicone algebra. And don't let's even glance at Vegas menswear, 'k? When did Affliction team up with Hurley and Crocs to make Jams?

Other than the occasional squawk of stale reggaetón emanating from pastel Hummers on West Tropicana — not to mention a slew of rowdies screeching "The Star-Spangled Banner" throughout New York New York (never forget!) — the charge-card cocktails, Timba-hop tunes, and space-age bachelor ultralounge aesthetic of omnisexual fantasyland are bottle-serviced with a splash of Burner du Soleil myshtique. In Las Vegas, the apex of a corker evening is a Coyote Ugly boobarella with red contact lenses and vampire fangs writhing on a dry-iced bar to DJ Tiësto. The only thing missing, really, is a topless raver girl revue with dildo glowsticks and peekaboo JNCO jeans. I'm copyrighting this idea immediately.

Everything's slathered in pimps-and-ho cheese and infernal strobing ultraviolet beams, grinding my delicate complexion into hamburger. Is this what you want, America? Awful-looking skin?

Like Manhattan and Miami — where three-quarters of San Francisco's dance music movers-and-shakers are currently scratching their bikini waxes at the bubbly-drenched, forever-2001 Winter Music Conference — Vegas has ...

now officially Disneyfied the salacious grit from my fond partial-memories of nightlife there, on and off the Strip. Bring on the recession, darlings! I'm all for having wild fun — this, after all, is how a majority of Midwesterners will be introduced to club culture — and I realize that a vibrant and shocking underground depends on a slick surface limelight to tunnel beneath. But please: what happens in Las Vegas, stay there.

Lady Go Boom Enough grumpy, let's party! You may remember the excitably gorgeous Lady Tigra as one half of '80s Miami Bass female electro-rap phenom L'Trimm, whose sub-woofin' 1988 hymn to cracked windshields, "Cars That Go Boom" (Hot Productions), raised the fluorescent-suspendered rafters of club kids nationwide at the time. I was there, and Tigra was fierce. Now she's back — grrrl! — with a slinky-nasty new album, Please Mr. Boombox (High Score), and a savvy plan to retake the alternative nightlife spotlight by teaming up with the cheekiest promoters on the West Coast. Fresh from her balls-out show at Los Angeles's latest actually great party, Mustache Mondays, she'll sink her claws into your dancey-pants with gender-bending vocalist and performance artiste extraordinaire Jer Ber Jones and the ever-beaky DJ Chicken at Cafe Du Nord on March 28. Her warped OMD-sampling jam "A Moon Song," especially, has been freaking the red zones in my headphones lately. And please note that I have not made a single tragic Tatiana the Tiger joke in this catty plug, mostly because I wish I'd mauled that hot dead Indian boy first and I'm still bitter. So there.

LADY TIGRA

Fri/28, 8:30 p.m., $15

Cafe Du Nord

2170 Market, SF

(415) 861-5016

Bob Sinclar

The Opium group is heating up South Beach for the Winter Music Conference. If you’re one of the fortunate ones who will be in town for a week full of great music and parties, here is the scoop.

The big highlight of the week will be when the music god, DJ Tiësto will take on the turntables at club Mansion on Saturday March 29. Other DJ’s that will also be spinning at Mansion include Roger Sanchez (March 26), Sasha & John Digweed (March 27). Even Hollywood spinsters DJ AM and Steve Aoki will be making their way to the 2008 Winter Music Conference with a special set together on March 28 at Mansion.

It doesn’t end there, some of the world’s most famous DJ’s are making a stop at one of our favorite Miami spot, club SET. From Bob Sinclar who will tell the “World To Hold On” at the Playboy Mansion (March 28th) to Benny Benassi & Dirty South (March 30th) Miami is gonna be the place to be!

If you’re still in the mood to “Put Your Hands Up” for Miami, then head out to Club Prive where Dutch DJ Fedde Le Grand will be spinning for electronic house lovers on March 28, 2008. Seems like it’s going to be one wild weekend full of great harmony.

Tiesto wants to put you in a trance

Netherlands-bred Tijs Verwest -- known as DJ Tiesto when he's behind the turntables -- surely knows how to keep the crowds moving to his hypnotic mash-ups of the trance sounds found in albums such as his Grammy nominated Elements of Life.

So, it's no surprise he craves a similarly lively atmosphere when it's time to enjoy a little downtime, which makes Miami one of his favorite ''stay at and play at'' spots.

Missed Tiesto Friday at the Ultra Music Festival in Bicentennial Park? Then try to sneak past the velvet ropes to watch him spinning at Mansion on Saturday night. From what he told us, there's nothing he loves more than a packed South Florida dance floor.

What are your favorite spots?

``Talula -- a small restaurant across from Mokai, where I love to play. It's nice and small and cool to hang out in, to disconnect and unwind. The times I've been there they play house music, which is a great switch from what I do for a living, which is trance.''

Any complaints?

``The clubs are great to play in. The only thing that stresses me out is the way clubs can be managed. It bothers me when they oversell the club. Fans buy a ticket a week before, then are told they can't get in because it's packed.''

What can people expect from your show?

'A bangin' good time filled with classic old and new Tiesto. I'm always excited to play. In general, I look at crowds and see how they react. Sometimes I never know what I'm going to play until the last minute and just go with the feeling.''

Will we be seeing more of you?

``Yes. I actually bought a house in Miami about two years ago at Aqua on Allison Island. It's a more residential area, but it's also no more than 10 minutes away from all the action. I see it as an investment for my future and as the perfect place for when I get older. They truly made me an offer I couldn't refuse.''

Ultra Music Festival continues

As if there weren't enough for dance music fanatics to feast upon during Winter Music Conference week, here comes the Ultra Music Festival, a who's-who of renowned DJs and electronic music acts. Now in its 10th year, Ultra has grown so much it had to be expanded to two days to realize its full euphoric glory. Sprawled across Downtown (or DWNTWN) Miami's Bicentennial Park, the festival boasts the world's top talents on five stages, meaning the crowd can wander from act to act in search of the perfect beat. Here are the highlights:

• Friday -- Tiesto, Carl Cox, Danny Tenaglia, Richie Hawtin, Josh Wink, Rabbit in the Moon, the Crystal Method, BT, Jackal & Hyde, Steve Lawler, James Zabiela, Robbie Rivera, Lee Burridge, Digitalism, MSTRKRFT.

• Saturday -- Underworld, Paul van Dyk, Erick Morillo, Armin van Buuren, Ferry Corsten, Pete Tong, Calvin Harris, Second Sun, Enur, Carl Cox, Moby, David Guetta, Sasha & John Digweed, Sander Kleinenberg, Benny Benassi, DJ Dan, Donald Glaude, Layo & Bushwacka!, Dirty South, Stanton Warriors, Hybrid, DJ Icey, Baby Anne, Goldie, Planet of the Drums, Adam F, Photek, Reid Speed.

Ultra Music Festival is from 4 p.m. to midnight Friday and 11 a.m. to midnight Saturday at Bicentennial Park, 1075 Biscayne Blvd., Miami; www.ultramusicfestival.com; $129 for two-day pass.

Dirty South

The Opium group is heating up South Beach for the Winter Music Conference. If you’re one of the fortunate ones who will be in town for a week full of great music and parties, here is the scoop.

The big highlight of the week will be when the music god, DJ Tiësto will take on the turntables at club Mansion on Saturday March 29. Other DJ’s that will also be spinning at Mansion include Roger Sanchez (March 26), Sasha & John Digweed (March 27). Even Hollywood spinsters DJ AM and Steve Aoki will be making their way to the 2008 Winter Music Conference with a special set together on March 28 at Mansion.

It doesn’t end there, some of the world’s most famous DJ’s are making a stop at one of our favorite Miami spot, club SET. From Bob Sinclar who will tell the “World To Hold On” at the Playboy Mansion (March 28th) to Benny Benassi & Dirty South (March 30th) Miami is gonna be the place to be!

If you’re still in the mood to “Put Your Hands Up” for Miami, then head out to Club Prive where Dutch DJ Fedde Le Grand will be spinning for electronic house lovers on March 28, 2008. Seems like it’s going to be one wild weekend full of great harmony.

Moby, Mark Ronson, Armin Van Buuren, Tiesto for Global Gathering

The eighth Global Gathering has released the line-up for Friday 25th & Saturday 26th July, to entertain the 55,000 visitors at Long Marston Airfield, nr. Stratford on Avon, Warwickshire.

Moby, Mark Ronson, Armin Van Buuren, Tiesto top the bill of a line-up that includes Robyn, Roisin Murphy, Etienne de Crecy, Sam Sparro, Erick Morillo, Sasha, Above and Beyond, Ferry Corsten, John Digweed, Eric Prydz, Laurent Garnier, 2 Many DJs, Eddie Halliwell, Roger Sanchez, Sven Vath, Sander Kleinenberg, James Zabiela, Dubfire, Felix Da Housecat, Sander van Doorn, Axwell, Nic Fanciulli, Fedde Le Grand, Francois K, Locodice, Deadmaus, Plump DJs, Stanton Warriors, Adam Bayer, Scratch Perverts, Tom Novy, Markus Schulz, Judge Jules, Lisa Lashes, and Tidy Boys.

They are joined by ATB, Andy C, Mark Knight, The Shapeshifters, Sandy Rivera, Kraft Kuts & MC Dynamite, Friction, Hype, SOS (Desyn Masiello, Demi, Omid 16B), Gui Boratto (live), Dirty South, Martin Buttrich (live), Guy Gerber (live), John Dahlback, Herve, Sean Tyas, The Freestylers, Paul Woolford, Killa Kella (live), Jesse Rose, Funkagenda, Tayo, Utah Saints, Andy Whitby, Ame, Alex Kidd, Proteus, Jamie Jones, Speakerjunk (live), A-Skillz, Martijn Ten Velden, Bryan Gee, Caspa & Rusko, Micky Slim, Amber D, Yuksek, Brodinski, Spank Rock DJs, Commix, Trophy Twins, Baby D (live), Subfocus, Lisa Pinup, Mark Eteson, Paul Thomas, Rebekah, Pete Jordan, Hexadecimal, Prok & Fitch, Ratpack, Ali B, Janette Slack, Diverted, Mr No Hands, Def E, Pilgrim, Brockie, Cally Cage, Ed Real, Guy J, Hazard, Karim, Krust, Neil Quigley, DJ Andy, Nicky Blackmarket, Nu Energy Collective (live), OD404 (live), Oliver Moldan, Mistress Mo, Taxman Vs, Original Sin, Technikal, Xample & Red One, Mark H, Nicole Moudaber, Garry K, Glen Aston, and many more are still to be announced.

New for this year are the following arenas, Cocoon Arena Sven Vath introduces his own temple of techno. Stealth Arena Roger Sanchez’s baby makes its label arena debut. Spectrum the biggest, most respected beats brand on the planet, no less. The Red Arrows are back to perform their unbelievable air show. Also making a return in 2008 are arena hosts Godskitchen, Bedrock, Polysexual, MySpace Electric, Global, Random Concept and Mixmag.

Tickets are on sale at the price of £115 plus booking fees. To buy tickets, click here.

The campsite which is even bigger this year has hot showers and an outdoor cinema. As well as the music there's usually The Urban Village with Hip-Hop DJs, Skate Ramps, BMX Riders, Break Dancers and Graffiti Artists, and extreme rides in the fairground.

Global Gathering has now been granted a permanent license, meaning that the festival will be a guaranteed fixture on the music events calendar. The license, which received no public objections, has been granted to allow the event breathing space to grow even bigger year on year.

NOTE: this is an over-18s only event.

An alchemic welcome to the world’s best

I can’t think of a better opening for this article than to just say that the world’s best disc jockey is coming to Manila for one night only. Tiesto, thrice consecutive topnotcher of DJ Mag’s prestigious survey, continues his world tour to promote his 2007 album, Elements of Life.

Netherlands-born Tijs Verwest has used many aliases in the last 28 years that he has been DJ-ing. Today, the man whose list of achievements is off the charts is simply known as Tiesto. He is the first disc jockey to ever play live on stage in front of an audience at an Olympic games.

“The opportunity to perform my music for billions of people around the globe will be the greatest highlight of my life, I am honored to be part of the biggest sports event in the world,” he refers to his Olympic experience.

Tiesto’s music is for the most part trance and progressive trance. Just like most accomplished DJs, he also dabbles in producing and remixing. His production, Just Be, appeared in the CD, Nip/Tuck: Original TV Soundtrack. He contributed the song “Gold Rush” to Playstation’s Wipeout Pure. Kane’s “Rain Down on Me (Tiesto Remix)” is featured in the video game, Fifa Football 2004.

His musical influence goes as far as Reebok creating two shoe models in his honor, ‘Tiesto’ and ‘Run the DJ Tiesto.’ Even Armani has jumped the Tiesto bandwagon just last December with a limited edition Tiesto/A|X T-shirt. Tiesto is also the official worldwide ambassador of the Dance4Life Foundation that promotes HIV/AIDS awareness.

Having played for crowds up to a whopping 250,000, he has covered the globe from coast to coast. He has taken over leading dance destinations from Ipanema Beach to Las Vegas, from Johannesburg to Amsterdam.

The reason for his second Manila visit is his fourth studio album, the Grammy-nominated Elements of Life. The 13-track CD, or some 80 minutes worth of heart-pumping trance, contains the remix version of “He’s a Pirate,” the theme song of Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl.

Tiesto has been touring his album since March 20 of last year. Earth, water, air and fire formed the crux of the visual treatment for the tour, captured in the Elements of Life World Tour DVD. The level of production was one that is never before seen in the dance music scene. This included state-of-the-art special effects, moving water systems synched with the music and high-def video screens. After his Feb. 28 stop, he took a one-month break before embarking on the Asian leg of the tour, which will begin on April 3 in Hong Kong.

The glitzy Alchemy Euroclub brings Tiesto back to play for the city’s denizens on April 19 at the venue’s Main Event Center. General admission is at P1,500 per head. Tickets are available at Alchemy and selected Odyssey outlets.

VIP seats for parties of 10 are available at P25,000 and P30,000. The package comes with a bottle, one VIP parking slot and complimentary passes to the exclusive afterparty. For reservations, call the hotline at 633-0516 or Che Calica, director for banquet and events, at 0917-886-1049.